more than just hair

I had my first, "Am I good enough?" moment today.

Okay, maybe this wasn't my first but it was hard. It had to do with hair. 

Hair is my area of "expertise." In our adoption meeting, I was excited that I could answer DSS confidently, "Of course I can do their hair." I went to Carolina Beauty College and practiced on 95% black hair. I had one instructor that requested I give her twists and curl the back. I am comfortable with all types of hair. 

Last night we took out Aaliyah's kinky twists. I had help and it still took about 4 hours. Today Naomi, Aaliyah, and I went to the hair salon where I used to work to finish it up.  I shampooed it 3 times, gave her a deep conditioning treatment, sat her under the dryer, used a leave in conditioner then attempted to comb it out. About 2-3 hours later I had a huge mess staring at me. I was just before breaking down in tears.

Thankfully, a lady that works there stepped in to help. She finished her up and got it all straightened and pulled in a ponytail. All the way home and for most of the day I felt inadequate and frustrated. 

Then I realized, the issue was about more than just hair. Hair just happened to be the situation at the moment. The problem was/is (once again) my heart. I have more "Fear of man" than "Fear of God." I feel like I have something to prove to the outside world that I know is watching. 

The truth is I'm not good enough. If you keep watching, you'll see me mess up. I don't necessarily know what I'm doing. But... I AM being obedient. I have, serve, and love a God that IS good enough. I am trusting that He is doing something amazing through me. 

After a total of 9 hours working on Aaliyah's hair, I still paid to have it finished. That's okay. I don't have to know how to do their hair. Not every white, black, Asian person that adopts knows how to take care of their new child's hair. That is not what is going to make me a good momma or not. There are far deeper things that matter. 

I will figure this hair thing out. Only because I love my daughters and I'm determined. ;) If not, I'll pay to get it done. But more importantly I'm going to pray for my daughters, I'm going to pray with them, I'm going to walk beside them, I'm going to teach them, I'm going to correct them, and I'm going to love them!

Proverbs 29:25 "The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe."